I can still remember some of the things people said to us before our first child, Kira, was born. Everybody had some kind of advice – some good, some not so great. One of the things I remember was you should go out on dates, do adult things, just take advantage of the fact that your time is your own. Because that life is about to end.
This is one of the things you sacrifice when you have children. But it’s only one of the things. Lots of things change when you have children no one ever tells you about. You only find out after the fact. They are definitely more expensive than the tax deduction you got, that’s one thing. The last time I slept through the night was over forty years ago, that’s another. You discover ways to worry and sources of frustration that you never knew before. Maybe it’s a good thing that you don’t know all this in advance.
You make many sacrifices when you have a child – this is what we all find out eventually. And so, to the degree that it is a choice, I find it fascinating that so many people do choose it.
For Mary, who was visited by the angel Gabriel and was told that she would bear a son, it was not clear that she had a choice in the matter. I do wonder about it, though. If Mary had told the angel, “NOPE. I’m not gonna do that”; if Mary had turned and run, screaming in terror; even if Mary had politely said, “Gosh, I’m flattered you would think of me for that, but I’m afraid I have to decline”; I wonder if Gabriel would have gone off in search of another candidate.
It is a possibility that Mary had a choice. But it is a certainty that Joseph did.
When we are introduced to Joseph, Matthew lets us know that he is a righteous man. He and Mary are betrothed, which was binding. It wasn’t a casual thing to break off an engagement for them. It would have been an arranged marriage, according to the custom of the time, and once the families had consented to the match, it was a legal contract.
During this period, before the wedding took place, Joseph learned that Mary was pregnant. He knew that he was not the father of the child. This in itself was grounds for legal action.
Joseph had some options. He could bring charges of adultery against Mary. If found guilty, which she certainly would be, Mary could be sentenced to death by stoning – a brutal punishment. But Joseph is a righteous man, Matthew tells us. Joseph has compassion for Mary, and he prefers to be merciful. So Joseph decides to quietly divorce her, which was the obvious merciful option. Mary would still suffer the shame of her condition, but it wouldn’t be so damaging. Of course, Mary’s future options would be closed off. Mary would still pay the price. But Joseph could begin again. For him there is the possibility of finding another bride.
The law would allow Joseph to just walk away from this unfortunate set of circumstances, unscathed. Because, not only can he renounce the engagement, not only can he bring charges against Mary and see her punished, not only can he begin again with a clean slate, all possibilities still open to him – not only all that, but Joseph can also demand recompense. Financial remuneration. The return of the “bride price,” and whatever resources he had already invested in the marriage.
This financial consideration was among all the options Joseph had before him. In his decision to make a quiet break with Mary, he had already decided to sacrifice the money. He would not make a big public case of it. But about all the other options he had, Joseph was not willing to make additional sacrifices. He’s done.
So there he is, settled in his mind. Probably not an easy or happy decision. Joseph is disillusioned. With Mary, with the world and all the lousy things that happen on a regular basis. But Joseph decides he’s done. Checking out. He is decided before he drops off to sleep that night.
But then comes Joseph’s surprise. An angel, maybe the same angel who visited Mary, comes to him. “Do not be afraid, Joseph, to take Mary as your wife.”
“Do not be afraid, Joseph. The child she is carrying is from the Holy Spirit. Mary will bear a son. And you, Joseph, are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.”
And presumably also in his dreams, the words of the prophet Isaiah, “Look, the virgin shall become pregnant and give birth to a son, and they shall name him Emmanuel, which means, God is with us.”
God’s word to Joseph. Matthew’s word to the church: Emmanuel, God with us.
The word from the angel gave Joseph the courage he needed that night. Joseph would not divorce Mary, he would not walk away from the shame that was upon her, but he would walk with her and help carry that burden.
He would take this child as his son. He would make all the sacrifices you make in raising a child – and even more. Joseph showed that he was willing to sacrifice his reputation in the world. Because, in the end, what is a reputation worth if it means abandoning the ones who need you? Abandoning the promise – the hope – of the redemption of the world?
Joseph changed his mind that night. He thought he was ready to check out, just pick up his battered ego and walk away. He thought this was a lost cause. Then the angel of the Lord came to him.
Don’t be afraid, Joseph, to go all in. There will be hard sacrifices, no doubt. But knowing that this child is Emmanuel – that you will have God-with-us living under your roof – doesn’t that make all the difference in the world?
When Joseph said yes, everything in his life changed. And everything in our lives changed. The whole world changed. Emmanuel – God-with-us – brings every one of us together into Joseph’s household, into God’s family.
Like Joseph, we are occasionally called to change our mind. To make a sacrifice we did not plan on making, to go all in and be a part of the change God is bringing to this world. It will be hard. It just is. But knowing that Emmanuel, God-with-us, lives in our hearts; knowing that there is reason to hold on to hope because of him; doesn’t that make all the difference in the world?
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